#34 Death & Mourning

In Judaism, bereavement, אֲבֵלוּת, (pronounced: a’vei’loot), or mourning, has many customs that have been observed for many, many generations in Jewish life. For Jews, death is not just the end of life, but a part of the lifecycle as important as any other. In some ways, the customs and laws that Jews observe surrounding a death, show just how important the end of a life is in Judaism.

#1 WATCH: The Mourning Process – An Overview

#2 What happens before a Jewish burial?

When a Jewish person dies, there are several important rituals that take place before the funeral – even though Jewish funerals typically take place quickly. The period between a person’s death and their funeral is called אֲנִינוּת (ahninut), and is the first stage of mourning.

Upon receiving the news of someone’s passing, Jewish or not, the following blessing is recited:

.בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם דַּיָּן הָאֱמֶת
Transliteration: Ba’ruch a’tah Adonai, E’loheinu melech haolam, da’yahn haehmet.
Translation: “Blessed are You, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, the True Judge.”

If the deceased is an immediate family member, one tradition is to tear the shirt or dress that you are wearing the moment you hear of the death, symbolizing that our hearts are torn, just like the garment. This is called קְרִיעָה, (k’ree’ah) or “ripping” and may also be done symbolically at the funeral.

During all of ahninut, a mourner’s only responsibilities are to take care of themselves and to see to the details of the funeral. Nearly all other obligations are cancelled, like work, going to synagogue, fully celebrating holidays. The funeral or burial, לְוָיָה, (l’va’yah) should take place as soon as possible after death. Burial is delayed “for the honor of the deceased,” usually to allow more time for far-flung family to come to the funeral and participate in the other post-burial rituals, but also to hire professionals, or to bury the deceased in a cemetery of their choice. In practice, it is extremely unusual for burial to be delayed more than 72 hours after death.

#3 What happens at and during a Jewish burial ceremony?

People will gather at a chapel or synagogue for a funeral ceremony which usually takes between 30-45 minutes. Specific prayers are recited and often a rabbi and family members will participate in the funeral ceremony. The family of the deceased person may wear k’ree’ah ribbons to show their external feelings of sorrow. During the funeral, a speech called a eulogy, or הֶספֵּד (hes’payd) is recited, and it is common for several people to speak at the ceremony at the funeral home, as well as prior to burial at the gravesite.

When there is a chapel ceremony, people next travel and to the gravesite. Several important rituals take place there: to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, קַדִּישׁ יָתוֹם, (kahdish yatom) and to lower the casket into the earth. Near the end of the burial, mourners come forward to fill the grave. Symbolically, this gives the mourners closure as they observe the grave being filled in. One custom is for people present at the funeral to take a spade or shovel and to throw three shovelfuls of dirt into the grave. When someone is finished, they put the shovel back in the ground, rather than handing it to the next person, to avoid passing along their grief to other mourners.

#4 What happens after a Jewish burial?

When they get home, mourners refrain from being overly concerned with their appearances, often avoiding wearing leather shoes or jewelry, or shaving. In many communities, mirrors in the mourners’ home are covered as a reminder of this practice. It is a custom for the mourners to sit on low stools or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being “brought low” by the grief. A meal of consolation, the first meal eaten upon returning from the funeral, traditionally consists of hard-boiled eggs and other round or oblong foods to remind everyone of the circle of life.

#5 LEARN: The Stages of Mourning: 7 days, 30 days, 12 months

Stage #1: SHIVA

The first stage of a’vay’loot is שִׁבְעָה, shiva, (sheev’ah) the Hebrew word for “seven”. It is a week-long period of grief and mourning. Observance of shiva is often referred to by English-speaking Jews as “sitting shiva“. During this period, mourners traditionally gather in one home and receive visitors.

It is considered a great mitzvah (commandment) of kindness and compassion to pay a home visit to the mourners. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation. The mourner is under no obligation to engage in conversation and may, in fact, completely ignore his/her visitors.

Visitors will traditionally take on the hosting role when attending a shiva, often bringing food and serving it to the mourning family and other guests. The mourning family will often avoid any cooking or cleaning during the shiva period; those responsibilities become those of visitors.

There are various customs as to what to say when leaving a shiva. One of the most common is to say to them: “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Depending on the community’s customs, others may also add such wishes as: “You should have no more tza’ar (distress)” or “You should have only simchas (celebrations)” or “we should hear only besorot tovot (good tidings) from each other” or “I wish you a long life”.

STAGE #2: SH’LO’SHEEM

The thirty-day period following burial (including shiva) is known as שְׁלוֹשִׁים (sh’lo’sheem), Hebrew for “thirty”. During sh’lo’sheem, a mourner is forbidden to marry or to attend a seudat mitzvah (religious festive meal). Men do not shave or get haircuts during this time.

Since Judaism teaches that a deceased person can still benefit from the merit of mitzvot (commandments) performed in their memory, it is considered a special privilege to bring merit to the departed by learning Torah in their name. A popular custom is to coordinate a group of people who will jointly study the complete Mishnah (a 6-volume law book) during the sh’lo’sheem period. This is due to the fact that “Mishnah” (מִשְׁנָה) and “neshamah” (נְשָׁמָה), soul, have the same Hebrew letters.

STAGE #3: SH’NAYM A’SAHR CHO’DESH

Those mourning an immediate family member observe a twelve-month period called שְׁנֵים עֲשָׂר חוֹדֶשׁ, sh’naym a’sahr cho’desh, or “twelve months,” counted from the day of death. During this period, most activity returns to normal, although the mourners continue to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish as part of synagogue services for eleven months. In Orthodox tradition, this was an obligation of the sons (not daughters) as mourners. There remain some restrictions on attending festive occasions and large gatherings, especially where live music is performed.

# 6 Review and Response

1. What happens at a Jewish burial ceremony?
2. Why do the mourner’s put earth over the casket after it is lowered into the earth?
3. What happens after the burial ceremony in the home of the bereaved?
4. What do you say to someone when you learn that a family member has died?
5. What is the 7 day period called after death? The 30 day period?
6. What are your questions about death and mourning in the Jewish tradition?

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